you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
