he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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