I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
