that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
