they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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