Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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