drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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