..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
