I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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