my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
