I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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