it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
