You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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