he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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