when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
