I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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