i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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