Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
