I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
