Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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