david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
