How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
