I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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