It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
