i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
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