I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
