so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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