i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
In America we eat man semen.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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