I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
