Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
