I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Randomize
