if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
