Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
