I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
