My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize