My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
