...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
