My balls are so social today.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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