My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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