I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
