I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
