She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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