Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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