I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
