My first STD was from a foam party
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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