I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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