the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
