You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
