I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
