Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
