Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
