Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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