I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
