I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
