I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize