Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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