i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
